Humbling Yet Gladdening

   Lord, It is my earnest hope and desire to be the man of God that You desire me to be. I know that one is always what one truly desires to be, and I truly believe that is for Your Word says that it is out of the ABUNDANCE of the heart that the mouth speaks, and the implication of the passage is that it is out of the abundance of the hear that the mouth is silent as well.
   Sometimes I feel like all I ever do is confess my sin and my sinfulness. But I suppose that is better than not doing so...not to be flip, but it my earnest desire not to give up and not to simply cave into the frailty and the cravenness of my flesh. It is indeed a traitorous and betraying mass of what seems like a foreigner to me at times, but then at other times it is that which I know and love all to well and I can only throw myself on my face before You, wishing myself to be in black corner of the world somewhere, lamenting that there is nowhere that I can crawl to escape Your sight. So often, all TOO often, that which is wondrous and a great blessing for we who are You children becomes that which haunts and pursues and beleaguers us.
   Ultimately, of course, (and THANKFULLY) this is magnificent and a great benefit and blessing, for without it we could lapse into the same moral condition as the unredeemed (at least I would). Apart from the dogged pursuit of God's Spirit, not ever giving up and never resting in His pursuit of me, despite my repeated descent into the same filth and nonsense, the same rebellion and blasphemy of His Name and purpose - let's call it what it is - without HIS faithfulness to what HE promised in the face of MY unfaithfulness to all that I have promised...
   But as always, was this not what out Lord had in mind when, in eternity past when He and our gracious Father entered into covenant together to redeem us? My goodness - how truly humbling and how very, VERY crushing to the ego and the pride is it to remember that it was not our merit, such as it might be, that God had in mind when he called me to be His child, but rather that He called me IN SPITE OF the very lack of that merit.
   Somehow I have to believe that this is thing that you desire and this is thing that is of benefit to to me and to my spiritual life...and for that I am grateful - Father, use these matters to enable me to be that which You have called and prepared me to be...